{"id":18539,"date":"2025-12-12T16:08:50","date_gmt":"2025-12-12T16:08:50","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.schoolnewsvicenza.h-farm.com\/?p=18539"},"modified":"2025-12-12T16:08:51","modified_gmt":"2025-12-12T16:08:51","slug":"what-to-say-and-not-say-when-exam-results-roll-in","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.schoolnewsvicenza.h-farm.com\/it\/what-to-say-and-not-say-when-exam-results-roll-in\/","title":{"rendered":"What to say\u2014and not say\u2014when exam results roll in"},"content":{"rendered":"

share<\/strong><\/a><\/a><\/a><\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Exam season can be a lot to bear. Kids are stressed and tired and, as parents, we feel frazzled too. We worry about their stress but also about the results. How could we not? The world is competitive and grades, or marks, matter. We want our kids to have as many options as possible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But how we react to the results when they arrive is our own test. Whether we\u2019re thrilled because they knocked it out of the park, or despairing because they couldn\u2019t get their act together to study, exams offer us a rare opportunity to show children they matter for who they are, not just how they perform.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s a test we parents don\u2019t always pass.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Thomas Curran, an assistant professor of psychological and behavioural sciences at the London School of Economics and Political Science<\/a>, has documented the rise in perfectionism among young people. He finds it alarming, because perfectionism is associated with a lot of negative mental health outcomes. When he dug into the causes behind the increase, he found that rising parental expectations and criticism\u2014having high standards kids feel they cannot meet\u2014play a big role.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Curran doesn\u2019t blame parents. He sees a system that demands a lot of kids, and kids and parents striving to meet it. But when expectations outpace what kids feel they can do parental stress makes it worse, not better.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Exams are an ideal time for parents to show that it\u2019s the process and not just the outcome that matters. We have a chance to convey three things: kids are worth way more than just their grades; grades measure academic performance, which is an important but narrow measure of what it means to be a good human; and effort takes guts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cChildren only have little shoulders and they carry this burden, and our job is not to add weight to that burden,\u201d says Liam Cullinan, principal of Nord Anglia International School Abu Dhabi<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here\u2019s how best to handle good news and bad news.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The praise<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Praise should not come just with the A*s, 9s, high 40s, and 5s (all top GCSE, IB, and AP marks). It should also go to kids who put in the time and effort and to kids who improve.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cEffort takes courage,\u201d says John Miller, head of school at Eton School Mexico<\/a>. \u201cIt\u2019s being vulnerable as opposed to just discounting and ignoring the work.\u201d Many kids don\u2019t try because it\u2019s better to not try and fail than to try, fail, and feel inadequate.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The goal of exams is to test knowledge. It\u2019s also to see progress. When kids clock some gains, celebrate that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI believe education is about reducing the gap between your current performance and your future potential,\u201d Miller says.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Praise progress, not just exceptional outcomes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There\u2019s another benefit to focusing on effort more than outcomes: kids have way more control over it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Reams of research<\/a> show kids who are praised for their efforts try harder and persist with tasks longer than those who are praised for being \u201csmart.\u201d The \u201ceffort\u201d kids have a growth mindset marked by resilience and a thirst for mastery; the \u201csmart\u201d ones can have a fixed mindset, believing intelligence to be innate and not malleable. These kids often want to play it safe, shying away from potential failure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"Break<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

The disappointment<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Let\u2019s say your child tried hard but fell short. They are devastated. Your job is to be there with them and wrap a blanket of love around them, says Cullinan from Nord Anglia Abu Dhabi.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Lisa Damour, a psychologist and best-selling author, talks about how to counsel a kid who gets bad news.<\/a> Be there with them and stay calm. She suggests saying something like, \u201cThis did not go down the way you wanted it to go down and because we love you and we want you to have what you want, we\u2019re going to be disheartened on your behalf.\u201d Just be disappointed alongside them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The goal is not to fix the situation or fix your child. It\u2019s to be there for a hard moment and reassure them that they\u2019ll get through it. Exams are not the measure of a human\u2014they are the measure of an important but narrow set of academic standards. This result will not ruin their future. It might alter it, but that\u2019s life. The key is that you have their back, and you will help them get through it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cullinan recounted the story of a stressed Year Eight student who had just gotten a 64% on an exam. The student was visibly upset and said he needed to call his mom, who would be really disappointed in him. Cullinan tried a different narrative: he focused on the areas for improvement rather than the result in hand. He told the student: \u201cGood! So, there’s only 36% left to win!\u201d His choice of words and demeanour communicated that all was not lost; there was plenty of room for growth. \u201cIt\u2019s all a dress rehearsal,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cullinan holds up his hand and uses his three fingers to make his point. \u201cEvery kid’s got a talent, every kid’s got skill, every kid’s got a knowledge base. And for every child, in between the fingers, there\u2019s a vulnerability and our job as parents and as schools is to work together to celebrate the strengths and acknowledge where the vulnerability lies, and then support the child to grow.\u201d Some of those will be academic but there will also be other strengths to see and encourage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The teaching moment<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Your kid wanted to study, but just kept finding so many other fun things to do. Video games. Friends. Sports. Social media. They get poor marks and you are chomping at the bit to:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \n
  • Say \u2018I told you so\u2019<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  • Demand they confess the error of their ways<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  • Punish them<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n

    Do none of the above.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    They will probably feel the sting of disappointment. Let them. Hug them or reassure them. \u201cI can see you\u2019re disappointed.\u201d Leave it at that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    The teaching moment is not when the bad news rolls in. The teaching moment is when their emotions (and yours) have settled, their defences are down, and there is space to have a conversation about study habits, planning, and what they might do differently next time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \u201cIf there\u2019s an area to improve, it\u2019s a separate conversation for another day,\u201d says Miller from Eton. \u201cThe action plan comes later.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Remember, they are people very much in formation. How we react shapes how they are formed. Our job is to communicate potential.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    You messed this up, but you can do better next time<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    You didn\u2019t put in the hours, but next time you can<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    You misjudged how much you knew. A great data point for when you study for your next test and feel confident you\u2019ve got it in the bag.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \u201cParents cannot allow a single exam or a set of exams to define the child,\u201d says Miller.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    We know they are more than a set of grades. Exam results time is the best time to show that.<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    share Exam season can be a lot to bear. Kids are stressed and tired and, as parents, we feel frazzled too. We worry about their stress but also about the results. How could we not? The world is competitive and grades, or marks, matter. We want our kids to have as many options as possible. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":13,"featured_media":18540,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[618],"tags":[592],"week":[621,591],"class_list":["post-18539","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-nord-anglia","tag-nord-anglia","week-9-2025-26","week-2025-26"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/www.schoolnewsvicenza.h-farm.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/12\/Screenshot-2025-12-12-at-17.07.57.png","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.schoolnewsvicenza.h-farm.com\/it\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/18539","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.schoolnewsvicenza.h-farm.com\/it\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.schoolnewsvicenza.h-farm.com\/it\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.schoolnewsvicenza.h-farm.com\/it\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/13"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.schoolnewsvicenza.h-farm.com\/it\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=18539"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.schoolnewsvicenza.h-farm.com\/it\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/18539\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":18541,"href":"https:\/\/www.schoolnewsvicenza.h-farm.com\/it\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/18539\/revisions\/18541"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.schoolnewsvicenza.h-farm.com\/it\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/18540"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.schoolnewsvicenza.h-farm.com\/it\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=18539"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.schoolnewsvicenza.h-farm.com\/it\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=18539"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.schoolnewsvicenza.h-farm.com\/it\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=18539"},{"taxonomy":"week","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.schoolnewsvicenza.h-farm.com\/it\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/week?post=18539"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}